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By Tala Lipshutz I dress in comfortable clothing
that day, as Attila has asked me to do. I haven't told anyone of our appointment
and I'm rather nervous. We haven't yet met face-to-face, but he sounded very
sincere on the phone.
I hope he won't think me too
old for what he has in mind, but then again he's been looking for an older
woman. Renting my body is not an act to be taken lightly, but it won't take much
of my time and I can certainly use the money.
I follow the directions
Attila has given me to get there, find the building and take the elevator up to
the floor where we're to meet. I'd found the name Attila to be somewhat
off-putting, but I feel calmer after he greets me at the door. He seems a sweet
young man, has sandy hair, freckles and a friendly face. He doesn't look like an
Attila.
After I'm made comfortable, he
has me remove my shoes and stockings and then--oh, my!--begins our time together
by mechanically vibrating the soles of each of my feet with small electrical
actuators...Is this an assignation involving S and M? I should only be so lucky.
This is a Study of Balance at
the Applied BioDynamics Lab at Boston University.
What's this all about? Well,
here's the scoop: When I reached my mid-sixties, I learned that when we hit the
"elderly" stage (60 and above in the world of research), our bodies become
valuable as research subjects and we're actually paid for our time and effort
when we rent them out for study in these various experimental research projects.
It all sounded good to me.
I first heard about these studies from a
friend who's a social worker at Tufts N.E. Medical Center. She clued me in on
the Volunteer Studies of the USDA Human Nutritional Research Center on Aging at
Tufts University. Some pay as much as $2500 if one doesn't mind being
incarcerated in their Center for twelve weeks.
Anyway, I filled out an
extensive form I was sent--pages and pages long--and applied for the following
study:
"Men and Women Aged 60+
Study #145, The Bioavailability of Vitamin
B12 Bound to Milk and Added to White Bread."
This study was to determine
to what extent Vitamin B12 can be absorbed from different foods. I had none of
the stated exclusionary factors, the length of the study involved was only three
days within a week's period at the Center, the diet to be meals provided by the
Center on study days, no residency required and with a payment of
$250.
I thought: Hey! I was raised on
Wonder Bread and for $250, no problem pretending the milk is Chardonnay. Well,
long story short, I didn't qualify because of exclusionary factors not
mentioned, whatever they may have been. And in fact, I received a letter stating
I probably wouldn't qualify for any of their studies. Hmmph...Talk about
rejection...
I did, however, qualify for a study at the Center for Rehab
Science, Harvard Med School Dept. of Physical Medicine and Rehab at Spaulding, a
couple of blocks from where I live. It was a Gait Study designed to determine
whether certain exercises done for a period of ten weeks would improve the
quality of one's gait and breathing.
Since it just involved walking
and breathing, and I'm familiar with, though not skilled in, both activities, I
figured what the heck.
In true Tala fashion, I arrived
at the Gait Lab making a grand entrance, tripping big-time on a raised ramp at
the doorway as I came into the room, almost falling over, and then tripping
identically the two subsequent times I entered the room. I'm sure this convinced
them that I would be a prime candidate for observing whether or not the
exercises would improve my gait.
During the study, I had to walk
back and forth a lot and then they put a mask on my face that covered my nose
and mouth and the whole bottom of my face. The purpose of this was to measure my
breathing in some way on their computer.
Well, the computer wouldn't
work for the longest time, so there I was left--just sitting and sitting there
in my mask. Finally I asked if I couldn't just go out and hold up a couple of
banks while they were trying to get the computer going. (They wouldn't let me).
The whole thing was probably
harder for the staff than it was for me, since they had to listen to my dumb,
smart-alecky wisecracks for two hours.
At the end of the ten weeks I
learned I had been in the control group and had been given phony exercises to
do. They'd probably thought I was too hopeless a klutz to improve my walking by
any type of exercises. I was happy to be paid $200 and given a Certificate of
Excellence, but I noted that my first name on the check read "Tata." Were they
trying to tell me something?
The weirdest body rental I've had to date
was again at the Applied BioDynamics Lab at B.U. and was called the Wobble-Board
Study with Electrical Stimulation. This one was so bizarre.
My "date" this time was Todd.
Electrical currents were delivered to the knees and ankles of both my legs, and
I had to stand on only one leg at a time (flamingo fashion!), maintaining my
balance on a platform that was wobbling--actually pitching from side to
side--and without holding on to anything--twenty times on each leg!!
The "invitation" to this had
read: "SUBJECTS WILL BE PAID $25!" The exclamation mark was theirs. Apparently
they felt this was a tidy sum for performing this ludicrous task. I have to say
that for a klutz, I did quite well.
In case you're thinking I'd
rent my body for just any old thing, let me tell you about a call I had asking
me to be a model. After my initial shock (I mean how many models are 4 feet 9
1/2 inches short and in their late sixties?), I learned that the young woman who
was calling represented the Nurse Practitioner Program, and those people who
allow these nurses to hone their examination skills on them are called
models.
Unfortunately, they at this
time were wanting "models" on whom they could practice doing pelvic exams. I
graciously declined the opportunity and said I'd be happy to let them examine
almost any other of my orifices (note the almost), but not that particular one.
I did ask to be kept in the data base for any further "modeling" jobs, but I
haven't heard back from them.
To get more action in this new career of
mine, I've been contemplating getting a website. My only concern is that I might
get more action than I'm looking for. Oy...forget it.
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